Chelsea seems to specialise in spectacular collapses, and it looks like this is going to be one of those seasons, where we call in a caretaker manager to finish things off. I really hope that it isn’t that Russian who did a terrible job at Hull and is supposedly best mates with Roman. Whatever happens, our performance against Watford was fucking woeful and the only player who can hold his head high at the moment is Hazard. Apart from that, Liverpool fans are moaning about dodgy penalties; Manchester City drew and Arsenal spanked Everton. Here is how I see week 27 going down:
Tottenham vs Arsenal
The North London derby is normally a fantastic game and it is a shame that it always has to kick off so early (it’s not like Arsenal fans are famous for fighting). It sees a rejuvenated (Alexis Sanchez free) Arsenal go up against an equally inform Tottenham, ensuring that this iteration of a game should be as good as the ones that came before it. There is almost always plenty of drama, lots of goals and a cheeky red card, which is why I am going to plump for a 2-2 draw, although it wouldn’t surprise me if Tottenham won.
Everton vs Palace
To be beaten 5-1 by Arsenal is pretty pathetic, although luckily for Everton, Chelsea managed to completely outdo them in the pathetic stakes. You have to assume that they will come out with a point to prove, or the Goodison crowd will be on their backs pretty quickly. Palace has also dropped off a bit since Christmas, which is why I believe that it will end in a 1-1 draw.
Stoke vs Brighton
Stoke need to start winning quickly or their flirtation with the championship is quickly going to turn into some actual time down there. While Brighton seems to have just enough to keep themselves out of the relegation scrap, picking up a win whenever it looks like they are about to get dragged in properly. If this goes to form, then Brighton will lose because they won last week, and I see no reason to go against that logic: 2-1 Stoke.
Swansea vs Burnley
Swansea is becoming a master at sacking their manager mid-season and rising from the dead: 6-feet under, just a month ago, they have somehow managed to climb out of the relegation zone. While Burnley continues to be my second favourite team in the league: they don’t play good football and there are much better teams to watch, but no team has bigger balls than them, which is why they will stay up with ease and have upset all the big teams this year. I fancy a hard-fought 1-1 draw, which will be a pretty good result for both sides.
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West Ham vs Watford
Premier League fans have been saying that Lionel Messi wouldn’t be able to do it in the league for years and he was bound to come over at some point to prove them all wrong. It seems as though he has finally decided to do it, turning up disguised Deulofeu, and humiliating Chelsea at Vicarage Road. If he and Watford play anything like they did on Monday night, then they will be far too much for the Irons, who managed to lose to Brighton at the weekend. I am going to say that Watford will win 2-1, because if they don’t, then my beloved Chelsea, is in a whole lot of trouble.
Manchester City vs Leicester
Burnley was always going to be the kind of team that caused Man City trouble and it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that they dropped points to them. Leicester, however, is not and you have to assume that City will return to winning ways with relative ease: 3-1 to the team from Manchester.
Huddersfield vs Bournemouth
Bournemouth is on a bit of a roll, churning out a couple of victories on the spin and embarrassing Chelsea in the process (although who isn’t these days). While Huddersfield has quietly fallen back down to earth with a thud and now sit 19th in the table. My money would be on the Cherries continuing their good run: 2-1 Bournemouth.
Newcastle vs Manchester United
Mourinho and Benitez resume hostilities, although the difference in resources means that there can only be one winner. That is, of course, United, who will continue their pointless chase of the other Manchester team, by winning 3-0.
Southampton vs Liverpool
Southampton is well and truly Liverpool’s feeder club, with loads of former Saints playing for the Scousers, the latest of whom is the most expensive defender in history (until the summer when prices double again and he suddenly goes from overpriced, to seeming like a bargain). Though you can’t see any of the current crop moving to Merseyside, given how poor Southampton have been this season, which is why I am going for a 3-1 Liverpool win.
Chelsea vs West Brom
Abject, pathetic, woeful, shit, useless, overpaid clowns are just a few of the words that come to mind when discussing the Chelsea team over the past week. First of all, we crashed out of the cup, to Arsenal of all people, then we lost 3-0 at home to fucking Bournemouth, and we topped it off by losing 4-1 to fucking Watford. We had better win this game because otherwise, Conte will be for the chop, which is a shame because I like the man: 3-1 Chelsea, as much in hope as expectation.