Aside from giving Beefy (Ian Botham) a questionable knighthood, and the 2005 Ashes team their undeserved MBE’s, the Crown has remained relatively quiet regarding cricketing matters the previous two decades – that was until this “dastardly” Ashes campaign.

“Somebody has to do something” said Queen Elizabeth, from the families Hillsborough Castle, Ireland. “That dear boy Joseph (Joe Root) is clearly out of his depth.”

With a draw the best her English Lions have been capable of in four Ashes tests this campaign, Her Majesty lamented the team’s lack of a genuine spinner, joking that she has “seen Prince Edward get more turn in the Palace’s marble hallways than (Moeen) Ali”.

When pressed on exactly how she intended on intervening in the Poms pitiful tour, Elizabeth II hinted a replacement for Ali would “come from within the family”.

When this reporter pressed her on who that might be, the Head of the Commonwealth revealed Prince William would step in as the team’s all-rounder and expected him to showcase his “niggling off-breaks” while also “firming up the middle order”.

Boarding the family’s Concorde aircraft, Wills tried to play down his call up, but admitted a turning SCG “excited” him.

“I’ve still got to get a game… but Grandma has threatened the selectors with treason, should I not, so expect to see me in Sydney.”

In another Royal family cricketing scoop, The Duke of Wellington, Prince Philip, has labelled Cricket Australia “convicts” for not to using the Duke ball.

“They’re a damn-sight lucky I can no longer roll the right branch over.”

“Lord Sumner still remarks he hasn’t seen an orb swerve with such a furious velocity as my first delivery of the 1943 summer” said the 96 year old.

Paul Morello

I'm Paul, and I model my life, laugh and hair on Mark Bosnich. There's no animal, athlete or team that can carry the weight of my money.