The organiser of the day and “Best Man” is requesting the $250 per head figure he has priced the days festivities at from a few stragglers who have not yet paid.

As if he were a forensic accountant, the groups resident tight-arse, Wello, is questioning the costs associated with the day. Best Man gives a confident wink, saying only “It’ll be worth every penny.”


The days expectant Hero arrives. No, I’m not referring to the Buck, but instead a man sporting a faux-hawk and drinking a UDL. He smugly tells whoever will listen that he “went straight through from last night”.

Based on the look and smell of him, I tend to believe him.

Although the mulling crowd are amused, I sense he’s not as popular, or mad,
as he thinks he is. Stay tuned.


Virtual outsiders, the bride-to-be’s Brother and Dad are introduced to the group. I can sense both wish they’d not agreed to come.

The Father of the Bride looks like an accountant, and his son, Brother of the Bride looks like the school dux. If you’re struggling to get a visual for what that would look like, it’s because you didn’t spend any time with the school dux. (Probably for good reason).

I make a mental note to look for these two guys when the Bucks friend from the footy club, Beast, get his kit off - as he’s done at every social event involving booze since he was 16 and discovered this is always a popular move among mates.


Hero begins a chant of “Do a beer bong Bride’s Dad”.

Brides Dad declines.


While still light on for an actual itinerary of the day, Best Man advises the group that a “Punters Club” has been arranged. He assigns three would-be car salesman to run the event, although they look like the sort of people who wouldn’t know a horses ass from its nose.


The three of them have taken it upon themselves to graft a further $20 out of everyone for a “Bucks Legends Quaddie”.

The general consensus is once we’ve won “a shitload on this quad” we’ll all fly to Vegas tomorrow.


Hero has been sitting on the same beer for the past two hours.

Funny Guy questions whether more actually ended up in Hero’s stubby after he took his last sip. Hero responds with “I’m sick of beer”, asking Best Man if there’s “any lolly-waters”.

He’s told to “harden up, c*nt”.


Buck is still trying to act like a good, honest, contributing member of the community in front of his soon-to-be in laws. This is despite wearing a mankini and his friendship group revealing themselves to be the ass end of the society.


We are out of the quaddie.

One of the three “racing experts” who selected the horses for the failed first leg argues with another of the punters club imbeciles.

The third of this crack tipster squad emerges from the taverns disabled toilet with three other like-minded rec drug enthusiasts.


The Bucks Dad is talking to the Brides Dad. The conversation is staler than Hero’s breath.

I overhear Bucks Dad telling a story about some of the “honey’s” he encountered on a cruise in 1975. Although smiling politely, Brides Dad decides this is the perfect time to do that beer bong the crowd have been chanting at him to do for the best part of five hours.


A play fight between Buck and his “Best Man” escalates. Buck becomes exposed, as we all learn what we had assumed to be true, the mankini is not built for hand to hand combat.
Although the crowd are mostly cheering this development, the Buck is none too pleased. He shouts “I’ve got whiskey dick you f*&king flogs” to the on-lookers. His soon to be brother in law seems more amused than most.

Best Man defuses the situation saying he has a “surprise” for everyone.

I question whether the term “Best Man” has ever been more loosely used to describe someone.


Surprise arrives. No one is surprised to see it’s in the form of a mid-fourties entertainer named Fanny Sprinkler.

Bucks Dad’s eyes light up.


Blow up pool now sufficiently inflated. Hero, who has spent the previous two hours sitting on the bus drinking water and drifting in and out of consciousness, makes a Lazarus-like comeback. He’s seated front and centre for the impending performance.


Despite being positively shit-carted, after making eye contact with his fiancés Dad, the Buck tries to pretend he isn’t absolutely loving what’s taking place.


Fanny Sprinkler applies whipped cream to parts of her anatomy.


Brides Dads face now covered in whipped cream.


Beast takes his cue, gets nude.


Hero is standing by Fanny’s car, asking her / her minder if he can take her out for dinner.


Smile, and remaining whipped cream, just leaves Brides Dads face.


Remaining members of Bucks Party stand outside a night club they have never previously been allowed into, telling the bouncer that “we’re on Best Man’s list”.


Still outside the premises, looking like a sad pack of white shoe wearing losers, Hero is put into a chicken wing-esque submission move by a member of security after saying something about them being on an “ego trip” and their employment being “a f&*king embarrassment”.


I detour the taxi driver via Hungry Jacks.

Because I’m one of the best blokes of all time, I ask my driver, Marlon, if he wants anything. He declines.


Because I’m one of the best blokes of all time, I get Marlon ten nuggets. He takes them, graciously saying “I said I didn’t want anything”.


I’m home. Because I’m one of the best blokes of all time, I wake my partner to tell her how I ‘didn’t even go to the strippers”. She graciously says “Can you please f&*k off. I’m trying to sleep”.

Do you or your mates have a Bucks party coming up?

Set up a private Bucks Day tournament at SportChamps and they’ll throw an extra *$25 in the pot for every person involved.

ie. Get 10 x mates in = We throw $250 in the pot. Get 20 x mates in = We throw $500 in.

Email marketing@sportchamps.com.au to find out more

Paul Morello

I'm Paul, and I model my life, laugh and hair on Mark Bosnich. There's no animal, athlete or team that can carry the weight of my money.