1. Manchester United
The fixture list gods have been kind to Mourinho’s men in the first half of the season, meaning that they only face two big challenges in the first 10 games: Liverpool away could be tricky as could Tottenham at home. Yet you get the feeling that they will come through them with a minimum of 3 points, meaning that they will head into a difficult Christmas period at the summit of the table. Then things get interesting and I still wonder whether they really have the bollocks to win the league, when times get tough. But they do look boringly efficient and Mourinho like at the moment: much to the annoyance of everyone else in the league, who preferred his last season at Chelsea. Expect him to complain his way to top spot: moaning about fixture congestion, referees and not getting enough credit from the fake news media: remind you of anyone?
2. Manchester City
Guardiola’s teams always look good in the summer: remember how many games he won in a row at the start of last season, before the cold hard reality of an English winter bit and his fancy continentals discovered how much they disliked being kicked off the pitch at Stoke, West Brom etc. They too have a reasonably easy autumn run, followed by a difficult Christmas, which is why they will be second until Kompany re-injures himself and Stones reverts to doing his calamity James impression. They won’t however, beat the Champions, at Stamford Bridge, which is why they are slightly behind United on this list. Let’s all look forward to those cold winter nights, where they revert to type and Guardiola delivers those idiotic press conferences: where he boasts about not teaching players to head the ball.
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3. Chelsea
Unlike the two Manchester teams, Chelsea do have a pretty difficult start to the season and have already played 3 of last year’s top 6, with another one to come in the form of City, in October. This is of course perfect, given that they are third and they should happily streak pass the two Manchester clubs, when the festive season gets into full swing. Until then we will have to settle for third: although I do believe that we will knock of Guardiola’s mob, when they visit the Bridge later in the month. Although the one regret of the seasons so far is that we failed to knock off the spineless reds from North London.
4. Burnley
Burnley being placed this high will undoubtedly come as a shock to everyone reading this, but I am a believer in Sean Dyche: otherwise known as the ginger Mourinho. They are well-organized; difficult to break down and have an annoying habit of scoring late goals (just ask Tottenham, lol). Combine that with an easy run of fixtures and I believe that Burnley will be sitting fourth come October.
5. Tottenham
The old inconsistent Tottenham are back! Hooray! They will win some games and lose some games, especially given that they can’t get the Wembley monkey off their backs. This might be an over-optimistic prediction given that they have a nightmare run of games at the end of the month, which reads: Real Madrid, Liverpool, Manchester United, Real Madrid. But there aren’t a vast number of options because there is a lot of dross below the three top teams, meaning that Deli Ali and Harry Kane will probably shine enough to get them to fifth.
6. Arsenal
You have got to love Arsene Wenger for being one of the biggest cock teases on the planet: just when it looks like it is about to collapse, he pulls a big result out of the bag and goes on a mini-run. While just as it looks as though it is going amazingly, his team suddenly falls apart and reverts to type. Arsenal has an easy run of fixtures, which all look thoroughly winnable, so they may end up higher than this at the end of October (although you can also be sure that they will finish around here at the end of the season lol). But because they are Arsenal, you have to assume that they will drop points somewhere stupid and give all of us a good laugh in the process.
7. Southampton
Boring and effective seems to be the way of the Saints this season, having somehow managed to amass 8 points, having only scored 4 goals. They have an easy time of it apart from United, which is why they will probably bore their way to 7th come then end of October.
8. Newcastle
Despite being the very definition of average, Newcastle is doing well, having amassed a decent number of points from their first few games. This is particularly surprising given how average Benitez is as a manager: but they have a pretty easy time of it over the next few games and will surely pick up enough points to remain in the top 10.
9. Swansea
Swansea also has a pretty easy run of fixtures and Paul Clement will organize them well enough that they will start to climb the table, over the next few games. He really is starting to look like a top-quality manager, blending youth and experience pretty well.
10. Liverpool
Ouch, the scouser’s title dreams are fading fast and this month looks no better, with a combination of some tricky games, the distraction of the Champions League and their lack of vital players in the spine of their team likely to hurt them. Klopp really is the perfect manager: charming, funny, likeable and not very good: exactly what everyone wants Liverpool to have. Dare I suggest another Arsene Wenger in the making?
11. West Brom
Tony Pulis teams generally give up once they reach 40 points, which normally happens earlier than you would expect in a season. They will muddle and head their way through the month, picking up a 1-0 victory here and a 1-0 defeat there: with nobody apart from the most loyal of locals really paying attention to the bland variety of football that they play.
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12. Watford
Watford came down to earth with a crash against City last weekend, being on the wrong end of a 6-0 drubbing. Yet, Marco Silva seems to be a manager with his head screwed on and they will pick up a few points over the course of the month. Although they do have a tough fixture list, which will probably worry their fans (if there are any).
13. Huddersfield
Huddersfield have a few tricky ties in the upcoming month and will probably be on the end of a few drubbings, however, they also have 8 points in their back pockets and there are clearly a number of teams in the league that are worse than them. They will start to creep down the table towards the drop zone, but won’t enter their inevitable relegation battle quite yet.
14. Everton
Things don’t look good for Everton at the moment, having been humiliated successive times in both Europe. Koeman clearly has problems: the lack of a top quality striker being the largest one (sorry Shrek doesn’t cut it any more). But having spent £150 million in the summer they have to win a few games, don’t they? Or another Dutchman may be heading towards the Premier League’s exit door.
15. Stoke
Poor old Stoke, have a pretty difficult month and although they will pick up points, when you don’t expect them to, they will also drop points that most teams would safely tuck away. They will be middling this month, before pulling away from the relegation zone, during Christmas: when conditions really suit them.
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16. Bournemouth
Bournemouth finally got some points on the board after an incredibly frustrating start to the season, they are probably just too good to go down and their season as a whole will reflect this: with much time spent hovering around 16th.
17. Brighton
Let’s face it Brighton are going to get relegated this year: the only thing that their fans will have to celebrate is that Crystal Palace, their great rivals are a lot, lot worse.
18. Leicester
From Champions to a relegation dog-fight in just one season, normally fans would pity Leicester. However, given the club’s treatment of club legend Ranieri, it’s difficult not to enjoy this rather spectacular fall from grace.
19. West Ham
Nobody likes West Ham and we are all looking forward to see them go down: they will have another tough month, sack their manager and not know who to hire. Bye, bye, nobody will miss you when you are gone.
20. Crystal Palace
The more relevant question to Palace fans is whether they will have managed to score a goal by the start of November: they look a certainty to go down at this stage. So all that is left to wonder is whether they are going to challenge Derby’s woeful points tally.