So football is back, although I for one wish that it wasn’t, given that Chelsea managed to put in an excruciatingly embarrassing performance, which felt a bit like being kicked in the bollocks a number of times with steel toe capped boots. That humiliation aside, United looked unfortunately good, Shrek capped off the dream return to Everton with a goal and Liverpool let in a dodgy late equalizer (no change in some places then). Here’s a look at how the second round of matches will go down: although as someone who confidently predicted that Chelsea would win the league, you might want to put your money on the opposite of whatever I say.
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Swansea vs Man U
It’s a sad day for football fans everywhere: the old United seem to be back. Everyone was so enjoying watching United fail and then to paraphrase Frank Sinatra, “they went and spoiled it all, by doing something stupid like looking good again”. David Moyes is currently looking for a job so we still have hope, anyone who starts the campaign to bring him back will get plenty of support from the rest of the footballing world. Bigger tests lie ahead for Mourinho’s group of giants, but they should get past Swansea, with 2-0 being the most likely score line.
Bournemouth vs Watford
Bournemouth and Watford both play pretty good attacking football, meaning that this will be one of the more interesting games of the weekend. Anyone putting money on this game should look at the goals markets as you may as well flip a coin on the result. If you really had to pin me down I would guess 2-2, but not with much confidence.
Burnley vs West Brom
This will undoubtedly be an absolutely tedious affair between two of the dullest teams in the league: so if you feel like a weekend nap this is the game for you. A 0-0 draw is the most likely outcome, although both teams are well capable of scoring a fluky goal from a set-piece.
Leicester vs Brighton
It going to be a long hard season for both of these teams and I personally believe that both of them will end up in a relegation scrap. Anyone who collapses so pathetically against Arsenal (who have about as much backbone as a jellyfish, see Bayern Munich last year), should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves so I fancy an upset here: with Brighton beating them 2-1.
Liverpool vs Crystal Palace
There is a sense of ‘déjà vu’ around Anfield at the moment: a good season is followed by a poor summer of recruitment and the departure of their best player to Barcelona. This is of course great because everyone loves to see false dawns at Anfield, but they will probably win this game because Palace look even worse, with 2-1 seeming the most likely score line.
Southampton vs West Ham
Losing 4-0 to Man U was probably not how most Hammers fans envisaged the season starting after a summer of expensive recruitment. Neither would Southampton have wanted to kick of the season with a 0-0 bore draw with relegation favourites Swansea: both teams will be under pressure to right those results. I expect Southampton to get the job done 2-1 and move Bilic to the front of the early season sack race.
Stoke vs Arsenal
Arsenal has a lethal French striker but still can’t defend to save their lives: Wenger has spent the last 20 years consistently serving up the same team with the same problems and there is no change this season. They are favourites to beat Stoke but probably won’t (because Stoke will follow their happy tradition of kicking Arsenal out of the game), 2-2 with Stoke scoring a heart breaking late equaliser (lol).
Huddersfield vs Newcastle
Not even the most optimistic Huddersfield fan would have had them beating Palace 3-0 away, but that’s exactly what they did. They seem like they are going to fill the fast start, horribly poor finish role in the Premier League this year: so expect a cheeky Huddersfield win and commentators to be rambling on about how little Huddersfield are second after two games, 2-1 to the home team.
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Tottenham vs Chelsea
My beloved Chelsea are masters at breaking records for incompetence when defending titles and it wouldn’t surprise me if we now hold all of them: first holders to be knocked out of the Champions League at the group stage; worst title defence in history and now first Champions to lose on the opening day since the Premier League’s inception (and it was to fucking Burnley at home)! When you combine this with the fact that we only have about 7 first team players, with all the suspensions and injuries, it would take a brave person to predict anything other than a humiliating defeat on Sunday. The one thing in our favour is that we specialize in beating Spurs at Wembley, who have an absolutely atrocious record there. So (mainly because I would feel incredibly dirty if I predicted a win for our most hated rivals) reckon that Chelsea will win 2-1, but it is an incredibly biased pick and I wouldn’t pay that much attention to it.
Manchester City vs Everton
Man city were solid, if slightly unspectacular, in their first game and the same can probably said for Everton. This will be a much bigger test for both teams and I fancy Everton to nick a point here: perhaps with a certain Shrek impersonator, getting a late equalizer and sending fans of his old team wild. I reckon it will finish 2-2 with a late goal from Waza.