Well that was a fun weekend: Chelsea won and every other London club lost, proving once again that there is only one team in London. Spoiling the spuds, new ground party was particularly pleasing and Marcus ‘Cristiano’ Alonso, will most definitely enter Chelsea folklore. Arsenal also reminded everyone that they are useless and the Wenger out brigade will be back singing at a Premier League ground near you. There was one piece of good news for Tottenham, though: they did manage to get an outrageous amount of money for an average defender, who managed to get sent off on his home debut (which is fast looking like the biggest scam since London Bridge was sold to that American). But it wasn’t all good: United look a bit ominous and Lukaku has well and truly hit the ground running. Here’s how I see the next set of games going down.
Bournemouth vs Man City
Ouch, you make someone the most expensive defender in history and he goes and gets himself sent off on his home debut: Guardiola must be fuming. Though, in truth he only has himself to blame: he refuses to understand that Premier League champions are always strong through the middle, which is precisely where Man City is not. Combine that with a cheeky goal from Shrek (predicted here last week), and you have a less than ideal start to the season. Still, they should have enough in the tank to beat Bournemouth, who look set to be at the foot of the table come the international break that we all hate: 3-1 to the team from Manchester.
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Palace vs Swansea
This game looks set to be a bore fest, with two teams that are desperate for the points: I know I certainly can think of a million better ways to spend a Saturday (beer and women would be involved). I fancy Swansea for no particularly good reason: 1-0 and more pressure for a legendary Dutch centre back.
Huddersfield vs Southampton
It’s impossible not to like Huddersfield: eccentric, charming German manager, check; little club punching well above their weight, check; good football that is pleasant on the eye, check. Reality will set in some time and they will definitely have a rough patch at some point in the future, but I don’t think it’s going to come against Liverpool’s feeder club, 2-1 Huddersfield.
Newcastle vs West Ham
Oh, how we all missed laughing at Newcastle in the Premier League: it really was a shame to see them go down last year (although I remember enjoying it at the time). The same is true of West Ham, who were proudly boasting of grand plans to enter the Champions League a few years ago: it is fun living in a dream world. Both teams are well and truly in a relegation scrap and the Premier League is all the better for it. I fancy Newcastle to sneak a win and quicken the inevitable exit of Bilic – 2-1 Newcastle.
Watford vs Brighton
It is difficult up with the big boys and Brighton need to get some points fast, or they are headed for a Derby County like nightmare. But they won’t: Watford look like a pretty good team to me (he says eating humble pie, having predicted their relegation 2 weeks ago). They will stick 2 or 3 past Brighton, who look incredibly short of fire power: 3-0 Watford.
Man U vs Leicester
Man U look good, much to the disappointment of everyone (not helped by Chelsea’s insane decision to gift them Matic: our transfer policy is stupid sometimes). Mourinho is back to his spiky best and his team of giants, has steamrollered a couple of average teams. The fawning, former player, pundits are all now confidently predicting a title, much to the disgust of everyone else. Unfortunately, they will beat Leicester and seem destined to be top at the end of the month: 3-1 Untied.
Chelsea vs Everton
Having proved to everyone that there is only one team in London, with the mighty Marcus ‘Cristiano’ Alonso scoring a screamer, Chelsea move on to a tricky game against Everton, who did pretty well against City themselves. This one will be tougher than the spuds, who we always beat at Wembley anyway (although to be fair: who doesn’t) and Koeman seems to have got Shrek into a rich vein of form. Games between Chelsea and Everton are normally crackers and a certain sulky, ‘wantaway’ Spaniard always seemed to do pretty well. But I expect this to be a tighter affair, with Chelsea winning 2-1.
West Brom vs Stoke
Stoke became everyone’s favourite team last weekend, by bending Arsenal over and teaching them the typical physical Stoke lesson, which Wenger refuses to learn. But if there is one team that can go punch to punch with Stoke in terms of physicality, it’s West Brom and you can be sure that there will be at least 20 corners in this game. It has ‘bore-draw’ written all over it, with 1-1 and two headed goals being the most likely outcome.
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Liverpool vs Arsenal
Funny how much can change in a week: Arsenal is back to its spineless, inconsistent self and the Wenger out brigade are surely drying the ink on a couple of banners. A soap-opera that we all greatly missed over the summer: we want you to stay, we want you to stay Arsene Wenger, we want you to stay. While Liverpool are desperately rejecting wheelbarrows full of Spanish cash for a Brazilian, who fancies a hotter climate (and who can blame him). It’s almost impossible to predict these two teams, who specialise in being wildly inconsistent: but I fancy Liverpool, to win 2-1 and give the U.K. aviation advertising industry a well needed boost.
Tottenham vs Burnley
One team in London, there’s only one team in London: it’s always special when you ruin a Tottenham party and Chelsea well and truly kept the Wembley hoodoo alive. The Spuds desperately need to get a win under their belts here: or it will haunt them for the rest of the season. Unfortunately they are playing Burnley and will surely manage to win, with 2-0 being the most likely score.